tRN007: The True Election Solution

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I’m back and—last time I checked—I’m still alive, so it’s time for the Ramen Noodle™, episode 7 for November 3, 2008: The True Election Solution.

My fellow Americans, I come to you out of the deepness of my heart (because God knows if I came to you out of the deepness of my pockets—well, you’d get quite a shallow show—and if you’re reading this, you missed me having fun with “shallow show”). In the pit of my stomach, not only do I have leftovers of some chicken that I’m not sure that I had thoroughly cooked, but I also have a real concern about the elections this Tuesday.

A lot of people are saying that America’s future hangs in the balance with the 2008 presidential race. First of all, let’s consider the deeper meaning of that statement: “hangs in the balance.” Honestly, I just can’t see how this can be possible in any situation. Is “the balance” a place like Weight Watchers or Zune’s nebulous “the social”? If so, is this really a bad thing? America, after all, could stand to lose a few pounds.

Or is this somehow a visual metaphor? Even then, balance is not even a slight fear for a hanging item. Do people go to the circus to see a tightrope hanger? NO! Big deal. There’s nothing special or even remotely exciting about hanging in the balance. Even ye olde pirates who was hanged would agree that balance is the least of their worries. Arrgh! Perhaps we should, instead, say that America’s future stands in the balance. But then again, if it’s standing in the balance, then I’d say things are going pretty well. But I digress (do you really ever know me not to digress?).

There are a lot of important issues to be decided in this election, and both major candidates, Obama and Pali—I mean McCain, have their unique and mostly mutually exclusive solutions. My friends, I have discovered the one and only solution to all of our problems. This solution extends across party lines and into the core of the issues like an arrow strikes into the heart of its victim.

My solution … is ramen noodles.

Yeah, yeah, laugh if you want. But I just can’t believe how silent all of the candidates have been on this! We need a reformed campaign to push the Ramen Noodle™ platform! What? You don’t believe ramen noodles are the solution? Then allow me to prove it to you by outlining my simple plan.

The Economic Crisis

Despite President W’s failed attempts at keeping the gas prices high and instead being responsible for the unbelievable drop in the value of gasoline, we do truly find ourselves in a crisis of dollar-bill proportions!

How did we get in this mess? It’s not like we were crawling across the playset slide before our dad was done putting it together and we stuck our hands in some dog mess and then ran to our mom with hand outstretched saying, “Look it!” Ugh! That was a traumatic event in my childhood. But the real reality is simple: we defied the laws of gravity and threw up more credit cards and loans than money that would fall from the sky into our purses and wallets.

Anybody with a mind for a brain would recognize that we need to reduce spending. But it takes someone with a really bright noodle to know how we can do that. My friends, I have that solution. We need to stop eating—you thought I was going to stop there, didn’t you?—extravagant meals and instead drop down to the Ramen Noodle™ diet. Consider that the average home meal costs $2.00–$2.50 per person, while fast-food is often twice that, and sit-down meals at restaurants are at least three times the cost or closer to the price of a small car! How much do ramen noodles cost? Only 15–25 cents—those are pennies, baby!—and even better if you buy them in bulk. (That is, from the right places! I’ve discovered that Meijer’s bulk price for a box of ramen noodles is more expensive than buying the same number of individual packages.)

So if even the most-scrupulous budgeting family switches to strictly a ramen-noodle-diet, they could reduce their food bills by more than 90%! I don’t have time to describe all the ways ramen noodles can feed you, including desert for the more exotic, but just take my word for it until a future episode … at which point you’ll still have to take my word for it.

With more than 90% of what Americans normally pay for food being stuck back in their pockets, they can much more quickly pay off that bad debt. The trillion or so dollars of national debt? Gone in one year!

Oil Dependency

I’m reading through the ingredients of chicken-flavored Nissin Top Ramen Oodles of Noodles, and although several types of oil are listed, you have to realize that very, very little oil was used in the making of each three-ounce package. Certainly less oil than fried chicken!

By supporting the Ramen Noodle™ platform, we would greatly decrease our everyday demand for oil and potentially totally diminish our dependency on foreign oil providers.

The Environment

Most ramen noodles come packaged in plastic that stretches out to about a 7×7-inch piece. This and the seasoning packet are the only waste produced by the meal. (Directly, that is. And I’ll address the seasoning packet later.) Consider the cooking process: hot water. That’s it, dude! Remember all that water you wasted when you drained your spaghetti? Not so with ramen noodles! That water is a vital part of the standard ramen noodle meal, and none of it gets wasted in the kitchen sink.

Most homemade meals involve a lot of utensils, measuring cups, mixers, and dishes in the cooking process. What do you need for ramen noodles? Nothing more than a bowl and a spoon. But if you’re Chuck Norris, which all but one of you aren’t, you don’t even need the bowl. Either way, you save the time and natural and unnatural resources required for cleanup by supporting the Ramen Noodle™ platform.

Global Warming

This is such a hot topic that I’ve mostly given it the cold shoulder. My personal studies lead me to believe that the media’s version of global warming is about as real as Santa Clause, except without the reindeer—we think we see presents under the tree, but was it really some fat guy discriminatingly climbing through chimneys, or was it dad and mom? At least in my family, I never was sure who did all the chimney-climbing, but I always knew that those presents were from real people in my family, not some myth of CNNic proportions.

But despite what opinions there are to explain global warming, I think we can all agree that global warming is caused by rising temperatures. And my ramen noodle platform solves that problem as well.

For the non-Chuck Norrises, there are really just two ways to cook ramen noodles: on the stove or in the microwave. My plan would be for us to only use the microwave. Just about three or four minutes of radiation and you’re done! By not using the stovetop or the oven, you’re preventing gob-loads of heat from going into the atmosphere and causing global warming.

Healthcare

People often complain about the amount of MSG found in oriental foods like ramen noodles. But this is really a solution rather than a problem. Look, if everyone was eating the same thing, we’d all get the same sicknesses. And if we all got the same sicknesses, then our doctors could stop wasting time writing unreadable notes and instead all focus on the same diseases that everyone would have, so healthcare costs would dramatically decrease.

And as long as I’ve mention MSG, which I don’t make a big habit of doing, can someone please explain something to me? At the grocery store, you’ll see all these spices on a rack: “contains no MSG,” “no MSG,” “no MSG,” “no MSG.” And then what’s right next to all of these spices? MSG. Huh?

World Peace

It’s a real struggle to a get a bunch of people who all speak different languages, have different moral systems, use different currencies, follow different religions, and come from totally different cultures to agree—just at the local Wal-Mart (seriously, you should see my local Wal-Mart). Putting this on a global scale not only means a big-time profit for Wal-Mart, but also a huge challenge for political leaders who would probably rather spend their time at Wal-Mart eating free samples.

If you haven’t noticed, and most bachelor/ettes probably haven’t, ramen noodles come in all sorts of flavors: regular, spicy, roasted, Cajun, mushroom—and that’s just for chicken! There are also flavors like beef, shrimp, oriental, and cat. With all of these flavors, is there really any need for our countries to keep fighting? Problem solved.

Terrorism

Okay, maybe some radicals won’t get it and will continue to fight because they think chicken mushroom ramen noodles are infidels. For these terrorists, my ramen noodle platform also provides the solution. Remember those seasoning packets? Those are made out of—well, I don’t really know quite what that aluminumesque stuff is, but I’m sure we could melt it down into bullets to take care of the terrorists.

So, you see? I truly believe with all of my noodle that this is the only solution to the pressing political issues. When you visit the polls this Tuesday, or when you go back to vote a second and third and forth time (you know, “vote early, vote often!”), don’t think about those nitty-gritty details, you look for which candidate supports the Ramen Noodle™ platform, because America’s last hope hangs … by a ramen noodle … and … in the balance.

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I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s episode of the Ramen Noodle™. Updates will be more frequent again, and I’m even working to launch a new podcast series with a cohost. Watch or listen for those details soon.

If you like the podcast, please consider writing a review in iTunes. And now that I’m back, I’d love to hear from you! So either leave a comment on the website, theRamenNoodle.com, or email me. And you can stalk me through Twitter.

In all seriousness, please go participate in America’s future by voting in this election.

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